its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
