the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You took a bar mat shot.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
