i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Drunk is not a location!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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