just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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