My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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