I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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