god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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