Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
