god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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