A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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