I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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