Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
