I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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