I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
