It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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