my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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