just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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