My brain says no but my pants say off.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Randomize
