I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
