I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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