just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
