you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
organizing the empties. That sober.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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