I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize