Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
