At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
