I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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