chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
