I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
