he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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