Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize