I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
