I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
