What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
