3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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