I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
