apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
