I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
