We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
