He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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