Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
