well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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