I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
