i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
