we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
