getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
