"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
