So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
