She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
