You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
