I just made out with a guy for $7.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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