Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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