Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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