I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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