Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
