I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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