she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Randomize
