Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
