Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
