The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
