dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize