a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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