Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
