Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
